


Embers

by spaceflowrr



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Confessions, M/M, Post-Prisoner of Azkaban, Second War with Voldemort, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-09
Updated: 2017-07-09
Packaged: 2018-11-29 16:57:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 658
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11445120
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spaceflowrr/pseuds/spaceflowrr
Summary: “I’ve always been the exception though, haven’t I? A queer werewolf, functioning in everyday wizarding society; they could write novels about me, you know.”Or: Remus tells Sirius how he feels.





	Embers

**Author's Note:**

> This was written for the Wolfstar Introvert Prompt: Fireside Confessions  
> ((check out @introvert-club on tumblr))
> 
> Also a huge thank you to @NachoDiablo who read over this and corrected all of my mistakes and also reassured me that it made sense!

Remus stares into the flames of the Grimmauld Place fireplace whilst turning an old newspaper clipping over in his hand. Dark letters burn into his eyes, ‘Escape from Azkaban. Mass Murderer Sirius Black Escapes from Azkaban Prison.’ Remus smiles. Sirius always had to be the first do anything, even when they were kids. He always supposed it was Sirius’ upbringing that had made him that way, constantly competitive, constantly needing attention, it was never a surprise that Sirius’ animagus was a dog.

Remus hears himself before he remembers wanting to speak. “It wasn’t supposed to be this way Pads.” He pushes himself to continue, he can almost hear Sirius’ reply. “I thought I’d be the first one to die.” Remus’ voice is barely above a whisper as he glances back towards the fire.

“Even before the war. I just assumed. I mean, how long are werewolves’ life expectancies anyway?” Remus chuckles softly. “I don’t think anyone really knows, we all end up killing ourselves before anything else has the chance to.” Remus’ smile had faded now. He watched as an ember jumped from the fire before landing by his legs.

“I’ve always been the exception though, haven’t I? A queer werewolf, functioning in everyday wizarding society; they could write novels about me, you know.” Remus almost hears Sirius coming up with his reply, he lets out a breath. “They could write novels about us.” He repeats the word ‘Us’ sounds so foreign to him now. After everything, it was still them. Remus and Sirius. Sirius and Remus. It had always been them, it always would be.

Letting out a breath he didn’t know he had been holding, he breaks the silence again. “I didn’t think I’d have to go to a funeral. Make arrangements, buy flowers,” he pauses, “mourn.” Remus shuts his eyes and tries to ignore the emptiness inside him that had been there since James and Lily’s deaths.

“I’ve done so much mourning, Padfoot. I’ve grieved and grieved and grieved and I still can’t shut myself off from it. Everything fucking hurts and I don’t know how not to feel it. Twelve years was long enough and now everyone is dying again and-” Remus cuts himself off with a choked sob, “...and I don’t think I can go through this again.”

The fire in front of him flickers, beginning to dwindle. He fishes around in his pocket for his wand before muttering “Incendio.” He avoids looking at Sirius, it was too hard, he reminds him of too many things that Remus would rather forget. He unfolds the newspaper clipping before throwing it into the flames.

“It’s selfish of me, thinking that I deserve more than the world gave me. After all, aren’t I lucky to still be alive? Shouldn’t I be grateful?” He feels sick, he wishes Sirius would give him all the answers, but he remains silent, still not speaking. “Shouldn’t I be happy I’m alive? Shouldn’t I want to be alive? Shouldn’t I stop wishing that Greyback had killed me instead of turning me?” Remus was crying, his breathing laboured and rage building up inside him.

“Fucking hell, Sirius. Why do I still expect a reply from you? It’s fucking useless. I’m useless and you’re-” he lifts his gaze, allowing himself to look at Sirius for the first time, “dead.”

Sirius’ picture continues to burn on the fireplace. Remus stares, watching Sirius laugh maniacally under the burning headline, until his face had completely disappeared into the fire. Remus sighs, thinking of Sirius as he fell beyond the veil. He isn’t coming back, not this time.

Remus stands, casting one last look at the blaze before walking towards the door. “I just want it to be over now Pads, I’ve lost everything in this war, I want it to be over.” Passing the scorched mark on the tapestry where Sirius’ portrait used to be, he pauses again, “I just don’t want to outlive anyone else.”


End file.
